I could add more to all of this, but I'm not really interested. Typed it up yesterday at work. Gonna be another boring day today, too. Can 't wait to get the fkcu (intentional) out of here

If my life turned into a movie, my role could be filled by that of Antonio Salieri. He attempts to will himself to play great music but knows that his intellect will never match that of Mozart's. Even though Mozart behaves childishly, he possesses the ability to write great music, something that Salieri desperately wishes he could do himself. I have the passion and motivation to become a great cyclist and/or a great hockey player, but I dont' have the natural ability. Namely, my joints/muscles present a problem. Sucks, man.



fleetwood mac - not much to say, but maybe I do: 1) I thought it was better than Dave Matthews. Maybe the fact that we were able to sit the whole time? I couldn't see DMB last July, and my back was hurting to the point where standing wasn't comfortable. I'm sure it was a good concert. 2) Good music. Probably even better if you're into that 70s/80s rockish music. A great concert for people who worship that guitarist/lead singer, Lindsey Buckhingman. He puts the passion into the guitar, though I'd have to argue his skills probably aren't all that impressive when up against the top guitarists. Then again, he gets paid to play music all day. 3) The drummer (Fleetwood) had an accent when talking so I figured he was British. Looks like he is. Could use some internal vibes to get his solos more tuned to his passion. Good, but no Carter Beauford. Not even a contest.

Is it the Samsung Galaxy 3? That phone is frickin' huge, man. at least a 4" screen, if not 5. Ridiculous. Some girl was holding one at the Pens game last night. Might as well replace 7" tablets with those. Dang, 5" screen, 1080 x 1920 resolution. Sign me up. I might tell Emily to get rid of her phone, let me get a 3G/4G phone, and she gets a crappy phone like mine, haha.


One time in college, fall of 2004, when playing Ultimate frisbee, I was definitely the lone wolf on the team. Maybe I send out an encoded messaged with my body language telling people not to talk to me, 'cause nobody really ever did. The one guy, don't remember his name but I have his mental picture stamped in my brain down to the crooked upper teeth, told me one time during dinner, something we did immediately after practice, that I looked like I was going to kill somebody. I was staring at the TV in the cafeteria feeling extremely tired when he told me. I asked him, "Really?" to which he said yeah. I didn't realize others got that impression.. "I'm just tired, man." Which was true. Another time in 2010 at work, I remember thinking "I wanna get outta here, go home, go do something that feels productive rather than faking it." Didn't say anything to anyone, just went along my day. Out of nowhere, the secretary said something like, "You never say anything, Ryan. I never know whaty ou're thinking." That's how I like it, so I told her. No big deal to me. She said I was mysterious 'cause of that, and maybe she said I was creepy. Who knows. Who cares. The only thing I got out of it was that people get that impression of me without saying anything. In 2008, probably November, the clinical instructor in nursing school made a statement along the lines of, "We didn't think you knew what you were doing because you never speak up." I have nothing to say, yo.

observe people more than i take action myself

At my job, I feel like an insignificant peon. no motivation or ambition to go anywhere with it. Obviously dont feel much, if any, connection to it. I rarely sit with patients and talk to them.. only when I'm sick of reading articles/hockey/news I'll do it. Last Friday, I had a 24 year old female so I went in, sat down, and talked with her for probably 20 minutes. She was happy to have the company, and I didn't have to wonder about what I was going to be doing. Sitting around sucks.
I have little interest in wanting the responsibility of doing a lot of the stuff here. It's just mundane, pointless tasks. Unless I'm dealing directly with the patient, it's not even remotely close to important to me.


Retreat into myself when not interested in environment. Mostly because it if tv is around itll get my attention, taking the focus away from me. Music does the same thing.. it's just a distraction. This occurs with reading, at times. Pretty much anything that takes the focus off of my thoughts and isn't mentally/physically exhausting.

Everybody feels existential guilt - the feeling that we are not living up to our own individual standards, morals, values, beliefs, etc. - to some degree. Maybe these standards are influenced by others in society, parents, education, etc. Doesn't really matter, though some people can influence it more than others. Specifically, those that we are closest to emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. I'd like to use an analogy with hockey to make this easier to understand, but some kind of ball sport should be used instead. So if the existential guilt is the pressure inside a basketball, the protective covering represents the mental shell that we build around ourselves. Our defensive mechanisms, perhaps? When our conscience pierces through the defense mechanisms and we think about our previous actions/behaviors, we realize that we our not living up to our own code of life, our moral playbook, so we can do some stupid stuff. However, whatever caused us to pierce the defense mechanism did not cause the guilt.. it only brought it into our conscious thoughts.
The best example I have about myself is that I rationalize the amount of time spent reading by thinking "I enjoy reading and learning about new ideas" when, in reality, it's an escape from my life. When I realize this, it helps me to understand that I could be achieving something, working towards something more productive, spending time iwht family, etc.
It's quite easy to avoid thinking about the guilt we have about ourselves. Use more defenses, play more social games, build thicker skin, avoid thinking about our past. Nobody wants to live unhappily. Hedonism at its finest. If we don't think about it, it doesn't exist, it doesn't bother us, we can focus on the stuff that matters.
This is like a frickin' lecture from a professor - completely abstract. But it makes sense from a practical standpoint.
THis is all why I don't consider myself a perfectionist - as perfect as I would like to be at anything, I realize it's nearly impossible unless a lot of effort is applied. This means more time spent on the task, something that to me will almost guaranteed be pointless since I won't care enough about it to put the effort into. Most things just don't interest me.

Something interesting that I've always thought about is that people are 'free.' But are we really? I'd say no, we aren't free. Cultural and social expectations are constantly influencing our decisions. Our parents, teachers, friends, coworkers, etc. These expectations tell us to do what previous generations have done - work, marry, have children, buy a house, a car, live by the same values. Wow, that's an exciting life! (sarcasm) Some of it is. It's like we have to work to buy the house and car and have the kid so that we can have bills to pay so that we work... to pay the bills, a self-perpetuating life in motion. Why can't we just be free? Free from technology, from expectations, from ourselves every once in a while, from our responsibilities? Lots of stuff has been written about this. It's one of the biggest reasons why I have always admired those that break away from tradition. It's such a huge risk that, even if it doesn't work, the person can say that they tried. When people in life do odd things, unless it was crazily stupid, I kinda look up to them for sticking true to themselves. who cares what others think? Too bad this type of thinking permeates our society, though.
A big point in life is to stay busy. Working long hours is probably the easiest way to do this. Hobbies and raising a family come in second and third, no specific order. From my experience, by being busy, I don't think about how much my life sucks (it really doesn't, but at the same time, yeah it does). (Which is one huge reason my job sucks.. I'm not busy a lot of the time. TOo much free time, too much time to think.. i can't say it gets old so much as it's just not me.) We can through the cycle of life, the daily routines, completing relatively meaningless tasks without much of a regard for why we're doing it. There is no why. It's what occurs to avoid the meaningful stuff in life.
Why do I read? Why did I play videogames so much when I was younger? Why do I play hockey? Why do I go to the gym? To escape reality. Though I love playing hockey and going to the gym, the physical rush, the adrenaline, the release of endorphins. They're just mental blocks, walls I put up to avoid living. THey're excuses for avoiding the responsibility of being free. I can't say reading is a complete cop-out, but videogames definitely are. Although I enjoy the competition and beating others in competition, I don't need it. (And I can't say that losing hurts my ego. I know how good I am at something, enough to know whether I should win or not anyway.)
Basically, we need to create meanings for our meaningless lives by remaining skeptical of all preconceived notions of how to live, not caring what others think about us, pursuing at least one major goal in our lives, and focusing on ourselves. Not in a completely selfish way, though.
I have never had a desire to ever be widely known or famous. No longing to remain 'immortal,' and in fact, I live my life to avoid it. 'cause I realize it's just playing into the rules of society. Who cares? Really, who does?
Maybe having a child would create something to live for, but I always knew that was a farce for me. Not for everybody, though. It does provide joy, a future, something to come home to, another person to help in our quest of life. In actuality, it's probably the closest I'd ever get to having real meaning in my life. I feel worthless, like a 160 pound sack of potatoes thrown into a 10 pound body. I'm not saying I don't want Andy. Just saying that it won't be my ultimate happiness.
The closest I think I'd ever come close to having meaning in my life is by helping others. And not in a nursing sense. I meaning helping others achieve their goals and dreams in life. I'm not talking about missionary work, either, though I could see myself doing that yearly. It has to be something more permanent, sort of like a pastor, a priest, the townsfolk who take a genuine interest and possess the dedication and motivation to interact with others, help them achieve something. Could be anything from rehabbing an injured joint to completing high school to going to college to getting a job to becoming the next President. Why not? Why don't I do this, then? I have no reason not to. No excuses, no reasons. Nothing. I just don't. Obviously, it's something I need to do.

Anesthesia school will be the biggest career move I'll ever make, most likely. Nursing isn't for me, and I knew that going in. It wasn't a preconceived notion that I used to fit the bill - I enjoy helping people, but the bureaucratic and administrative stuff, to me, is crap. Plus, a lot of the mundane tasks we do can really turn me away from it. It's not bad for the most part, but it does not fulfill me much, if at all. At this point, I might as well go into a field of nursing that I will enjoy the most and make the most money. I don't care about money, but it will help later on. Why not make more money for the same amount of time working? Especially at a more interesting job. Then again, maybe I"ll decide to become the head of an anesthesia school at some point since I'll have a doctorate in Applied Management or Anesthesia Management or whatever? Who knows. Still won't be as big of a decision as starting school. (Too many prospective students complain that they won't have any money and will come out in a huge hole of debt, won't be able to work during school. It's either that or suffer in a nursing job that they don't want to do the rest of their lives.)